Your Health Insurance Is Now Supermarket Cake

Expensive Staff members,

We are delighted to formally roll out the company’s new overall health gains. Grocery store Cake is an modern insurance possibility that lets you to skip monotonous, regular health care strategies these kinds of as “seeing a doctor,” “making a life style transform,” and “surgery” to get straight to what makes you sense improved: shoveling inexpensive grocery shop cake into your cake hole.

Here’s how it functions: Each month, a high quality will be deducted from your paycheck, and, in exchange, your Supermarket Cake coverage will shell out for 80 per cent of your bills every time you encounter a medical concern, so extensive as your expenditures are restricted to a $27.99 grocery store cake that you acquired to convenience-take in though stressing about how you will find the money for to take care of your health-related difficulty.

As a chief in wellness, Supermarket Cake eschews outdated-university notions like preventive treatment or crisis wound dressing. Alternatively, we empower you, the fashionable American client, on your journey towards whole-individual wellbeing in which just about every sharp discomfort and disconcerting lump sends you not to a hospital but to a bakery aisle that can provide you with plenty of vanilla-flavored vacant energy to see God.

If you have signed up for the Grocery store Cake PPO possibility, you can access myriads of in-network companies like Safeway, H-E-B, and Piggly Wiggly. If you’ve picked the lower-price tag Supermarket Cake HMO, protection is restricted to your PCP (most important cake service provider), which is a Food items 4 A lot less miles absent, exactly where the pastry situation is constantly perspiring and the sound process in no way stops taking part in Maroon 5’s sophomore album, It Will not Be Soon Prior to Prolonged.

Being familiar with your prescription coverage is less complicated than ever with Grocery store Cake, mostly since no prescription drugs are covered—just Styrofoam clamshell containers for your unfinished portions, so you can self-administer corner pieces as needed when indicators occur. This is very similar to how you might have made use of your bronchial asthma inhaler had we compensated for one.

For dental concerns, we invite you to download Supermarket Cake’s totally free app, YumYumHealth, for 24-7 obtain to digital consultations addressing your oral well being demands. Our board-certified dentists are standing by to supply authentic-time tutorials on how most effective to maneuver cake forkfuls to the back of your throat and avoid get in touch with with your rotting enamel.

Grocery store Cake also gives prime-tier mental health and fitness added benefits, together with our confined-time “Eat Your Feelings” campaign. For the upcoming 6 months, subscribers can pipe the intrusive believed of their picking on to a confetti-sprinkled quarter sheet totally free of price tag.

And when common counseling periods are not covered under the Grocery store Cake coverage, we offer you the therapeutic alternate of possessing pre-minimize slices loosely wrapped in off-brand tinfoil and frozen so that they might be eaten unthawed at 3:00 a.m. although vacantly staring into the disquieting glow of the open up fridge and pondering the cruel and unceasing trudge toward death that we all must endure.

We’re happy to have you as a member and hope you’ll take pleasure in all your mouth watering positive aspects. Remember, while open up enrollment is now closed, if you working experience a qualifying lifestyle occasion throughout the year, you may well be granted a exclusive window all through which you can up grade to our Elite Rosette Prepare, which adds Tender, Pink Frosted Cookie coverage.

You should note, all claims are issue to an annual out-of-pocket deductible of $8,500 before any cake payment is obligated to start out.